Inspired by The Devil’s Dictionary, I like to add definitions to my book. When reading my manuscripts and a word has hypertext, it has a special meaning explained here.
NERF (Nerdy Energetic Rich Fucker)- noun. A male (typically white although not required) almost always between the ages of 35 to 55 with a solid professional degree and/or business that thinks because he makes good money and works hard, he is entitled to any woman he wants (even the ones half his age) and gets mad when his work gets stressful despite he signed up for it himself. Since their knowledge is only technical or management oriented they typically have a limited altruistic sense of how the world really is and don’t know, or more likely don’t care that there are 12-year-olds getting their fingers chopped off in an Indonesian factory working 10 times harder than them for the money they spend on an espresso empowering them to make hundreds that night, if not thousands. Typically they are conservative, but there are exceptions, especially in Silicon Valley.
LAPP (Lucky Artistic Passionate Partier)- noun. People with comparable checking accounts as NERFs, but the similarities end there. These are ‘hip’ individuals who don’t need hobbies because their ‘professional’ side is already ridiculous enough. Rockstars, celebrity chefs, actors, major league athletes, royal family members and published writers; these are people more likely to die from things like drug overdoses, drunken car crashes, catching every sexually transmitted disease known to man and politically motivated barroom brawls more than anything else. Becoming a LAPP is generally possible if you have at least three of four things, which are decisively good connections, being exceptionally good at art while being able to commercialize it, walking into the right place at the right time and being incredibly sexy/handsome. While popular culture says “opposites attract” in reality, NERFs and LAPPs dating each other is not particularly common. John F Kennedy’s affair with Marilyn Monroe is possibly the only notable exception, and that was over half a century ago.
Brats- Noun. Do you need a male between the ages of 18-32 with the kind of body that can only be acquired through years of hard manual labor? All included with customizable hair gel, dumbbells, and tank tops. Order now we’ll throw in a bench set entirely free. Maybe you’re a NERF with a business that could use them, perhaps you’re one of those girls that always wanted toys edgier than what our competitors offered. There are many different kinds you can collect. Our most recognizable ones you may have seen in the NFL, NBA, or professional boxing. Our least successful ones are in things like the military and oil rigs where they are mass produced with low-quality care, with the cheapest glue to stick them back together so they can be broken once more.