*Note* If you, like most people, don’t care about my personal journey as a writer and only
Want to see the actual manuscript itself, scroll down and skip this intro. It isn’t
really necessary. Just skip down to where it says “Choose your Profession” (my first entry in this joke book
) in bold font and start from there.
First off- I’d consider Spaced-Out Daydreams to be an foolish title, and I plan on
changing that as soon as I come up with something better. With that being said, let’s
move on to what this page is all about:
Nearly everyone who’s read my blog and gave me feedback thus far (as well as people who
know me in person) tell me that I’d be better off, at least starting out, by writing funny
short pieces rather than a full-length novel. Pax Romana City of Angels is still a project I’m
very passionate about, but if the overwhelming advice from my readers means anything to
me, I am better off starting out with some “Saturday Night Lives” shorts. A well-written
novel typically takes a writer not only with creative ideas but years of experience and
For books of a similar experience as what Spaced-Out Daydreams will be, I would have to
recommend either Ant Farm or Free-Range Chickens by Simon Rich (Rich is an SNL writer
himself), or This is a Book, by Demetri Martin. Some of these will be absurd
situations, some will be witty/quirky short stories, and others will be “fake news” such as
what you’d find in The Onion.
I will keep you all updated regarding the feedback you give me, and how I decide to
respond to them.
Coldplay released Ode to Deodorant before getting a record deal of any kind. Let this be
The feedback you all gave me so far has been precious. Most of you are saying my
jokes that are either crude or political are the least funny, so I’m going to keep those to a
minimum. The book is going to become less R-rated jokes with a political emphasis and
more feel-good family friendly comedy. There will be a few exceptions, but the tone of the
book as a whole is going to be different than what I originally intended. As the first major
update for this manuscript, I’ve decided to take 90% of the crude or political jokes out.
I’ve also concluded that I’ll want around 60 entries before submitting this to any literary
agents. My current plan is to write 20 entries at a time, making each 20 as perfect
as possible, rather than writing all 60 at once without going back and editing the garbage.
In other words, I will not write a 21st entry until the first 20 are solid. Likewise, I will not
write a 41st entry until 21-40 are ready. This is why much of what you’ve already seen is
now gone. I took the least funny entries away and am working on replacing them.
Also, I changed the order around. For example, ‘Choose your profession’ has gotten by far
the most positive feedback, so I made it the first on the list. Similar to how a band looking
for a record deal makes sure the first track on the demo is their best, I guess.
Choose your profession
1. Do you like to argue?
Good student: Lawyer
Mediocre student: Police Officer
Bad student: Telemarketer
2. Are you religious?
Very devout: Holy Monk, isolated from society, living off bread crumbs and water
Somewhat devout: Preacher of a respectable church
Hardly devout at all, and would sell your soul to the devil to scam people: Televangelist
3. Do you like acting?
Good actor: Movie Star
Average actor: Landing roles in small-town plays
Bad actor: Retail
4. Are you interested in helping people with their sexuality?
Highly value money: Stripper/prostitute/porn actor
Moderately value money: Sex education teacher
Lowly value money: Articulate and well-read sexual philosopher with both bachelors
and masters degree in women’s studies
5. Do you want to be a musician?
Highly value money: Pop Singer with repetitive lyrics and minimalist electronic beats
Moderately value money: Experimental/alternative band with funky chords and unique lyrics
Lowly value money: Classical Music Composer with songs meant to be played by a 60 piece
6. Do you want to do something that requires you to analyze, predict and handle money?
Good student: MBA from Harvard working for Goldman Sachs
Mediocre student: Loan Counselor
Bad Student: Pimp
7. Do you want a job that works with dogs?
Good student: Veterinarian
Mediocre student: Government official involved in drug busts
Bad student: Mailman
8. Do you want a job that deals with digging bones?
Highly value money: Hitman
Moderately value money: Forensics expert on a law enforcement team
Lowly value money: Archaeologist (like you’ll even get a job after graduating)
9. Do you want a job that involves flying?
Realistic: Pilot of Commercial Jet
Less realistic: Astronaut
10. Do you want a job that involves scamming people?
Least successful: Fortune Teller
Moderately successful: Used Car Salesman
Most successful: Politician
1. Seattle exports more coffee, grunge rock, and rain than anywhere else in the country.
2. 95% of victims in horror movies are white, blonde females between the ages of 18 to 32.
4. James Bond, Austin Powers, and Mick Jagger have ensured it is 10 times more likely for a British
man to hook up with an American woman than the other way around.
6. 95% of software engineers went from being bullied as a child, to bullying everyone else as an adult.
7. The Kool-Aid man, rappers, pop stars and (Italian) gangsters are the leading exporters
of the phrase ‘oh yeah.’
8. At least 60% of profanity amongst males between the ages of 15-30 are directly related to
Call of Duty missed field goal attempts, and alarm clocks.
9. Americans gain more weight on Thanksgiving than any other day. Even less surprising,
Americans lose more weight on Black Friday than any other day.
10. There would be approximately 500,000 more paralegals, rock bands, and gender
studies researchers throughout the United States were it not for Law School.
3. How I saw myself
My senior year of high-school we had to write a paper in English class describing how we saw
ourselves in 10 years, from a third person perspective. This is what I wrote:
Nick takes “one in a million” to an entirely new level. Between his mega-successful rock band
that has churned out so many hits they make Taylor Swift look obscure, his enormous success
as an actor winning the Academy awards in almost every category every year, and his career
as an NFL quarterback bringing the Seattle Seahawks to the Super Bowl for as long as he’s
been part of the team, it’s a wonder how he has any time to sleep, let alone anything else.
Every single song from every album he’s released has not only been number one on the charts
but continues to stay up there year after year. With over 100 songs in his repertoire, now the
“Hot 100” literally only plays his songs.
He is featured as the lead role in every single major motion picture. A few years ago they tried a movie
with someone else as the lead, but there were violent protests and threats to boycott the
studio, so they quickly gave it back to him. And his career as the Seahawks quarterback-
Good God! This is his tenth year into the league, and as of right now he has 0 interceptions,
0 fumbles, 0 sacks, and a functionally pass completion rate of 98%. He averages 65 yards
What is absolutely stunning is how this just suddenly happened. He made mediocre
grades, he didn’t show any particular aptitude for the arts or athletic ability, and he didn’t
even stand out in his community of bum-town nowhere. Now he’s more
famous than God.
It seemed all he did in high school was play video games and watch funny cat videos on
Youtube. Who would have guessed how well-prepared he was?
He has broken every single Guinness World Record, except for the
‘gross’ ones such as “most diarrhea a human could produce in one day.” And he breaks
his old records every consecutive year.
I am a motivational speaker who regularly tells people “you can do anything you set your
mind to,” but that’s mostly feel-good baloney. But in Nicks case, it’s true time and time
I bet all those girls who ignored him in high school and the teachers that didn’t believe in
him, are totally sorry now.
I made an F on this paper, by the way.
4. X is like Y
3. Valedictorians that cheated their way to the top of the class are like famous pop singers
using Auto-tune and have someone else write their songs.
4. 10-year-olds who make dick jokes are like people over 30 who make dick jokes: it’s
inappropriate for someone their age.
5. In this day and age…
1.You are statistically more likely to win the lottery than to find someone in the Youtube
comments section who thinks they were “born in the wrong generation” for any reason
other than they don’t like the music of Justin Bieber and a handful of other pop stars.
3. The people who complain the most about how much they hate Wal-Mart, are also
the most likely to shop there on a regular basis.
4. The people with the nicest shoes and most expensive pair of headphones are
statistically most likely to live in poverty.
5. At any given concert, the people with the most amount of money (old rich men) fill up
the back (if they even go out at all) and the people with the least money (college kids) fill
up the expensive front row seats.
6. NBA players typically have more money (and respect) than MBA’s.
7. Ancient religions which have been respected for thousands of years are considered
stupid superstition by many people, but believing you can alter the course of a football
game by yelling at the TV is not.
6. How I thought I was impressive throughout my late teens/early 20’s.
“I would like a job working for your company, as a game developer.”
“So what is your game developer experience? Or do you have a computer related degree?”
“I don’t have either one. On the other hand, I’ve beaten all Halo releases on Legendary mode.
I can get 95% on “Through the Fire and Flames” on expert mode in Guitar Hero. I can
usually beat the A.I. on Madden, even on the All-Madden setting.”
“Oh my God. That is so unbelievable. We have got to have someone like you.”
“Oh, I’m just getting started. The only reason I almost flunked out of college is that besides playing
games, I have watched tons of music videos on Youtube, which gives me a musical background.
I could put together some bad-ass mixed tapes to go along with each game. All you have to do is
get the artists permission, and bam. Soundtrack took care of.”
“It is almost impossible to get lots of artists permission to use their songs in games. Otherwise, it
would already happen much more often. Although that is irrelevant, with the kind of musical
credentials you’re talking about, we wouldn’t need anyone else’s permission for the soundtrack.
Someone as experienced as you could just compose the songs yourself. I’m honestly shocked you’re
not already a rock star.”
“Thanks, but that’s not all. I am also really creative, so maybe I could work on a video games’
Story line or something. While it’s technically correct I have no actual material whatsoever to
show for it, my mom says I can do it.”
“Mommas are never wrong, son.”
7. What women think of men who drink beer, based on the TV commercials I’ve seen.
“That guy looks so dull. I mean all he’s doing is just sitting there, reading a book. Wait a minute…
Is he drinking a Bud light?”
“Oh my God, he is. That makes him so sexy. I totally want to be all over him.”
“You can’t claim him, though, I already want him.”
“That’s fine. I see another dude drinking a Coors light, which is better anyway.”
“Nope. The Bud Light men are sexier because they know how to ride a horse.”
“I would easily trade the ability to ride a horse with a confident man from Colorado who can
teach me to snow-ski, while holding a beer straight from the Rockies.”
“Well, I suppose it doesn’t make much difference. Men are much more fun as long as they drink.
They sound more intelligent and tell funnier jokes. I can’t keep my hands off
any man whose had a few generic, inexpensive beers like Budweiser or Coors.
9. Questions answered.
2. What would it be called it NASCAR and Formula 1 merged?
3. Considering America has horrible obesity rates but still, manages to have god-like
athletes in incredible shape, which country is the opposite?
Japan. The country where ordinary people are eating fish, walking and riding bikes.
But their athletes are 600 pound Sumo wrestlers.
4. Who are childish people who don’t apply themselves, can’t accomplish anything, and
often can’t stay in their seats?
5. Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars is most famous for his line ‘It’s a Trap’ in a space battle
scene. But what did he almost say instead when he realized it’s a suicide mission, but was
removed after the advice of the film’s legal defense team?
6. What if God was one of us?
He would probably be Lindsey Lohan (or someone like her) given she’s very well-known
but no one has actually seen her in a long time, people pray to her to no avail, and
she’s had a lot of natural disasters.
10. Why macho men don’t write poetry
I’m a fierce manly warrior
I’m more strong than 10,000 soldiers
I cut through the flesh of those who insult me
I have more kung-fu moves than Bruce Lee
(Linkin Park interlude)
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all, I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you
(back to me)
I’m more brutal than Jack, the ripper
I’ve got more kills than Adolph Hitler
I massacre all my foes
All of my enemies have a bloody nose